[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
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Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious