I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place