The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If I ignore life will it go away?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.