She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“you changed” bro i was 15
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*