Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
You Might Also Like
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests