My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.