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Bringing home a sharpie
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
accurate
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?