Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
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Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.