Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Meowchelangelo
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.