I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it