You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
cry laughing at this shit
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir