Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Thursday Thought.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Dishonest mechanic?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case