Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”