I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
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At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.