Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
It’s an epidemic…
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
A woman drives into a bar.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school