COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”