What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
(yawn)
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
that de-escalated quickly