Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
#have a #great #PancakeDay
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints