Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
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By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
This made me chuckle.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account