[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
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Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Canadian owl: Eh?