Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
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Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!