Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
This headline is a thing of beauty
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.