By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
😜
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Every haunted house movie:
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”