Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
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i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
“no gods no masters” = leo
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?