ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
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A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Only short people can save us
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.