Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
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Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*