I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
i wish we could shoplift online
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.