My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Yup….perfect score!
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp