Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
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When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
me refusing to leave twitter
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.