More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Canadian owl: Eh?
The Backseat Boys
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats