Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
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Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist