Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.