Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.