Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
You Might Also Like
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park