ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me if I was a dog
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Twitter fine art
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit