me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
You Might Also Like
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”