“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
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What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”