Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Smile they said.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.