I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Not my job 😂
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
🖤✌🏽
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.