Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here