Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
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Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Spotted in New Orleans.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.