I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
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the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.