My blood type is b hungry.
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Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.