What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
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Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.