“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
You Might Also Like
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
two people or more is called a problem
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.