Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.