the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.