you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.