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#FireSomeonePolitely
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats