day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Just me and my debit card against the world
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.